Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned twenty-four. A man is or may be young to after sixty, and not old before eighty.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Mann Jong
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't.
Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.
Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'Rourke
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Motivational, Inspirational, Funny Quotes