Welcome to a collection of wit and wisdom from the renowned comedian Lisa Lampanelli. Known for her fearless and unapologetic humor, Lampanelli has left an indelible mark on the world of comedy with her sharp observations and no-holds-barred approach to tackling sensitive topics. Throughout her career, she has fearlessly delved into subjects such as race, gender, and relationships, using her razor-sharp wit to provoke thought and laughter in equal measure.
As a pioneer in the world of stand-up comedy, Lisa Lampanelli has earned a reputation for her irreverent and boundary-pushing style. With a career spanning decades, she has delighted audiences with her unique brand of humor, earning critical acclaim and a devoted fan base along the way. Whether she’s skewering societal norms or poking fun at herself, Lampanelli’s comedic insights are as insightful as they are hilarious.
Below, you’ll find a selection of quotes that capture the essence of Lisa Lampanelli’s comedic genius. Feel free to use these quotes to inject some humor into your day, whether you choose to share them with friends, post them on social media, or simply enjoy them for a good laugh.
Crazy diets, good diets, you can’t name one I didn’t do. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I’m lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin’ sensitive about jokes. Lisa Lampanelli
I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. Lisa Lampanelli
Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. Lisa Lampanelli
I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. Lisa Lampanelli
Mr. Trump, I really can’t comment, because he was my boss on ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ and I just don’t think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama’s birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not saying the N word anymore. Lisa Lampanelli
I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems. Lisa Lampanelli
I don’t sell myself. I’ve never explained my comedy to people who don’t get it. Never complain. Never explain. Lisa Lampanelli
Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli’s show. Lisa Lampanelli
I do a big roast of Trump during my set now – which I clearly expanded on – because there’s so much to make fun of him about now. Lisa Lampanelli
I’ve really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It’s been a real journey. Lisa Lampanelli
I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself. Lisa Lampanelli
I didn’t feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, ‘Oh, my God, I don’t know what I’m doing in college.’ There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was… I didn’t have a clan. I didn’t have a choir… There was no safety net. Lisa Lampanelli
I heard Cher say, ‘I answer to two people: Myself and God.’ I say, ‘I only answer to me. I’m not sure I appreciate God’s opinion.’ Lisa Lampanelli
Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it’s rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that’s about it. That’s why she’s special: because she can combine it. Lisa Lampanelli
This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food. Lisa Lampanelli
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won’t get mad at me. Lisa Lampanelli
If they hate you, they hate you, but I’ve always been polarizing, and I love that. Lisa Lampanelli
I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn’t because I’m not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. Lisa Lampanelli
You have to really be on your own side. Lisa Lampanelli
I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, ‘Oh my God, don’t go to this section, don’t go to that section.’ I’ve never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there’s enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I’ve always had a good time there. Lisa Lampanelli
I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown. Lisa Lampanelli
I lost over 100 pounds, so I’m even angrier than ever. I don’t stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. Lisa Lampanelli
I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m always proud of what I’ve done and what I continue to do. Lisa Lampanelli
Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here. Lisa Lampanelli
Before, I didn’t do celebrity stuff, ’cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you’re going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current. Lisa Lampanelli
If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. Lisa Lampanelli
I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you’re that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you’re tired and you don’t have patience for it, you definitely snap. Lisa Lampanelli
My thing has always been, I’ve never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving… It’s all because of him… He’s made me a better person… I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. Lisa Lampanelli
Every day, I wake up and ask, ‘Am I hungry?’ If I’m physically hungry, I eat something that’s hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don’t like, I’ll say to myself, ‘Is that the reason I want to eat something?’ If it is, I try not to do it. It’s literally a lifestyle. Lisa Lampanelli
I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, ‘You’re sold out – you can add two more shows.’ Lisa Lampanelli
Make a list of the people in your ‘choir’… If you’re not on your own list, then you’re doing something wrong. Lisa Lampanelli
A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I’d be the most flattered I’d be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I’d pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I’d like to give some honor to. Lisa Lampanelli
When I decided to do ‘The Celebrity Apprentice,’ there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn’t so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. Lisa Lampanelli
I’ve gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image… and I’m like, ‘Wait a minute.’ Lisa Lampanelli
Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, ‘You hate yourself.’ You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work. Lisa Lampanelli
I looked around and couldn’t believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It’s the biggest issue women have. Lisa Lampanelli
I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I’d learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. Lisa Lampanelli
I just really work hard on myself every day. Lisa Lampanelli
I’ve played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions. Lisa Lampanelli
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I’ve been doing comedy for twenty years. Lisa Lampanelli
I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs. Lisa Lampanelli
I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. Lisa Lampanelli
I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you’ve arrived. Lisa Lampanelli
What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their problems for a few minutes. Lisa Lampanelli
The thing is, in the dating profiles it says ‘spiritual,’ but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. Lisa Lampanelli
Don’t laugh at a hair joke, Trump. Lisa Lampanelli
I’ve never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, ‘I like her; she’s okay.’ Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. Lisa Lampanelli
Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine. Lisa Lampanelli
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. Lisa Lampanelli
When you’re dealing with a sick person, you’re not important at all. You’re just a nobody. Lisa Lampanelli
I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I’ll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I’m 60, I’ll go on Tinder. Or I’ll go on ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’; I’ll call Patti Stanger. Lisa Lampanelli
The dog lasted. The marriage didn’t. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. Lisa Lampanelli
By being politically correct, you’re closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there? Lisa Lampanelli
I’m obsessed with reality TV anyway – I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans. Lisa Lampanelli
None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes. Lisa Lampanelli
In the end, censoring a comedian’s jokes is on par with censoring ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ Now, I’m not comparing myself to Mark Twain – he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you’re forcing your beliefs on him. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. Lisa Lampanelli
I feel that if I retire today, I’ve done enough. I’ve achieved everything in comedy… I feel I don’t need anything else. It’s already built. Lisa Lampanelli
With Don Rickles and me, we’re just telling the truth. We’re not terrific people, and we’re not gonna win the beauty contest. We’re just average Joes. We’re just being who we are, and I think people like that. Lisa Lampanelli
I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don’t know. Lisa Lampanelli
I wasn’t ready to be a dog’s mother! Trust me, I’m completely unfit and irresponsible. I’m a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. Lisa Lampanelli
‘Baywatch’ sucks so bad. I didn’t watch it the first time around; I’m sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what’s most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it’s obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video – that’s huge. Lisa Lampanelli
It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it’s whatever Howard Stern says goes. Lisa Lampanelli
Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts. Lisa Lampanelli
That’s the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That’s why I never make fun of the French. Lisa Lampanelli
When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about – that I love or hate – because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. Lisa Lampanelli
Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I’m definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don’t have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more. Lisa Lampanelli
Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. Lisa Lampanelli
I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience – they are still as flawed as ever. Lisa Lampanelli
The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it’s all in jest and all for fun. Lisa Lampanelli
Comedy is like music – there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for… well, I don’t who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that’s not the point. In art, there’s something for everybody. Lisa Lampanelli
I don’t like any of it. I’m sick and tired of menopause. Lisa Lampanelli
By Hollywood standards I’m still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers – now I got to get a fur coat. Lisa Lampanelli
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. Lisa Lampanelli
I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable – diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight. Lisa Lampanelli
The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. Lisa Lampanelli
Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that’s why people overreact. I don’t need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. Lisa Lampanelli
I order food like a normal human being. If I’m out to lunch, I’m going to order three courses like everybody else. I’m not going to feel like some kind of freak. Lisa Lampanelli
I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don’t let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board. Lisa Lampanelli
When I say I’m going gangster, I’m working really hard at something. Lisa Lampanelli
We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. Lisa Lampanelli
I thought I had to work at someplace everybody’s heard of. It was never, ‘I’m interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.’ It was like, ‘Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I’m OK.’ So I got a job at ‘Popular Mechanics’. Lisa Lampanelli
I’m not looking for ‘outer esteem’ anymore, what they call ‘other esteem.’ I’m looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, ‘Hey, look what I did in my life.’ Lisa Lampanelli
I say every slur on the planet – racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet – and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society. Lisa Lampanelli
People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we’re pretty much all the same. Lisa Lampanelli
What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life… people sense that. Lisa Lampanelli
