Welcome to the world of wit, humor, and unfiltered truth-telling encapsulated in the unforgettable words of Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers, a legendary comedian, actress, and television host, left an indelible mark on the entertainment industry with her sharp tongue, quick wit, and fearless approach to comedy. With a career spanning decades, Rivers fearlessly pushed boundaries, challenging societal norms and poking fun at the absurdities of everyday life.
Born Joan Alexandra Molinsky on June 8, 1933, in Brooklyn, New York, Rivers rose to prominence with her pioneering work in stand-up comedy, becoming one of the first female comedians to achieve widespread recognition in a male-dominated industry. Throughout her career, she remained a trailblazer, breaking barriers and paving the way for future generations of female comedians. From her groundbreaking appearances on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson to her iconic red carpet commentary, Rivers’ fearless humor and candid observations made her a beloved figure to millions around the world. Now, let’s delve into the brilliance of Joan Rivers through a curated collection of her most memorable quotes.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. Joan Rivers
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Joan Rivers
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers
I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life. Joan Rivers
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth. Joan Rivers
Every television show you go on is a choice. Joan Rivers
I was a Brownie Scout mother. Joan Rivers
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. Joan Rivers
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck. Joan Rivers
I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me. Joan Rivers
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes. Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. Joan Rivers
I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don’t want to live OK. I’m very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit. Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers
Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough. Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers
I didn’t want to do ‘Fashion Police’ because I thought, ‘This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?’ It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew? Joan Rivers
My audiences get younger all the time. Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken’s vote. Joan Rivers
I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented. Joan Rivers
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers
I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business. Joan Rivers
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. Joan Rivers
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party. Joan Rivers
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It’s in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up. Joan Rivers
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it. Joan Rivers
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It’s just fun. Joan Rivers
Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be. Joan Rivers
I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want. Joan Rivers
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Joan Rivers
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers
I am furious about everything. Joan Rivers
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. Joan Rivers
I love Katy Perry! She’s very charming. Joan Rivers
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’. Joan Rivers
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive. Joan Rivers
You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials. Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Joan Rivers
I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. Joan Rivers
It’s feast or famine in showbiz. Joan Rivers
Fat jokes aren’t relevant, but they’re hilarious when you find them. Joan Rivers
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. Joan Rivers
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it. Joan Rivers
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar. Joan Rivers
I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.’ Joan Rivers
The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage. Joan Rivers
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider. Joan Rivers
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. Joan Rivers
I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Joan Rivers
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Joan Rivers
I am a huge ‘Downton Abbey’ fan – huge! Joan Rivers
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers
Life does not measure up to performing… Performing is perfect. Joan Rivers
What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care. Joan Rivers
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny. Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore. Joan Rivers
I’m always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Joan Rivers
I’ve always been salaried; I’ve never owned anything. I’ve done very well, lived very well. Joan Rivers
I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up. Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he’d do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers
Show business is – you’re there by somebody’s fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you’re fine. I’d do anything. There’s so much I want to do. Joan Rivers
Trust me, there’s not one night a week I’m not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off. Joan Rivers
It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride. Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work. Joan Rivers
All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black. Joan Rivers
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. Joan Rivers
I always like a charity with people who don’t speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house. Joan Rivers
I just love acting. Joan Rivers
I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you. Joan Rivers
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day. Joan Rivers
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don’t know where the next job is going to come from. Joan Rivers
I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. Joan Rivers
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Joan Rivers
I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show. Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers
